My Story: Assault

I'm not one to take things to social media that take a negative turn unless it serves a purpose.  I wouldn't even say this is negative but more serves as a purpose for anyone who happens to find this blog who has gone through similar.  I can't even believe I'm writing about this and promised it would stay hidden because I was ashamed and only few people who were friends and family knew.  But, with all of the visitors I've seen pass this site, I know this may affect some and in an empowering way.  I hope.

In 2009 I was just a regular girl, always at church, slightly on the naive side and believed what people said most of the time because I trusted so many too fast.  I had an innocence I still can't believe I had.  I have to say I believe the best in people.  You want to, after all there are more good people in this world than bad.  It's true.

The Summer of 2009 I had just come back from Montana, fell madly in love with someone and had my heart broken.  Only because I lived so far away and this love I experienced (We'll call him Dean) was out of the ordinary.  He felt something too, asked me to be his girlfriend but there was life in the way and distance.  It was the kind of romance that takes your breath away and seems so unreal and so perfect.  My friend at the time was so persistent on me dating when I was fine laying low and recovering.  People were also pressuring me to find someone and get married. Date. It was so overwhelming when in my mind it was fine to be alone and figure things out.  I hate when people force feelings or force relationships.  It has to 'just happen'.  I was happy taking my time for the right person to come along.

Being so pushed  by words I caved and signed up for an online dating service.  I was not interested in the church boys at all or other acquaintances.  I saw a beautiful man's profile I wanted to reach out but, 'oh look, he reached out to me first' while I was thinking about contacting him.  I was flattered.  We talked over text and e-mail for two weeks so I could get a feel for him and he had just moved here from another state.  He wanted to meet me, I was even more flattered.  Our first date was different because he was almost too touchy feely but his face was abnormally handsome so I let him put his arms around me, touch my waist and hold my hand.  He asked for another date and this time I wanted to impress him with my cooking skills.  I made a meal at the apartment that I accidentally burnt and invited him for a movie.  I started getting what felt like a heat stroke before he came and texted that he was on his way.  I didn't know why but I was so flustered to a sweat and brushed it off.

He walked in, my dog didn't like him at the time and should have been a warning.  But we ate dinner and he was hospitable to the bad meal.  Then we turned to the movie and started making out.  I'm not one to turn down making out if I am attracted and like the person and even planned on that but for me I have my limits.  Sex was not on my mind and not what I was looking for.  Just to be clear I did NOT insinuate more than kissing and hands over the clothes action.  I love those make-outs.  Anyone who knows me knows I can wait forever for the right guy and be fine and still all I could think about was Dean in October of 2009. 

He took making out to a new level and asked him to stop.  He didn't listen.  He constrained me & was unable to move.  He made it so I couldn't move and he almost ripped out my hair.  I could barely speak he made it so talking was hard to do.  Anything.  This happened throughout the night.  He knew.  I knew.  This is not what I had planned on, all I wanted was to get to know a handsome guy but he was something more...he was a selfish human incapable of respect.  He could have had anyone he wanted, he was charming and handsome but no, he wanted what I wouldn't let him have.  He bolted as fast as anyone could after.

The road to recovery was hard:

I told my cousin soon after and my best friend.  I didn't even know how to handle it and how I tend to  mask situations is to laugh and smile anyways but I more went into hiding.  Just to figure out what happened and process it.  Was this real?  What did I do wrong? How could this happen?

I wrote him an e-mail weeks after about what he did and didn't hear back, but I had to say it to him.  My brothers wanted to send men over to do some damage later when they found out and almost wish they had but I am not a person to be the fault of causing purposeful harm.  I should have told the police and thought about it afterwards but the moment he left erased what I later found out would be evidence. I was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed.  Because shouldn't someone want to throw a massive scene like in a movie and get away?  It was shocking and I did try. 

We (My brother and I) decided not to tell my Mother because she had just had heart failure and my Father was passing away slowly.  How much more hurt should she have to go through?  

I started taking self defense classes and the shock of the assault caused speech issues and panic attacks.  I would be on the phone having a normal phone call and all of a sudden not be able to talk and out of breath.  I took two years of EMDR and counseling.  

Soon, months after what had happened I met a wonderful and incredible man (Let's call him Wade) who took his time getting to know me.  He made me laugh uncontrollably and was the biggest sweetheart.  It wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me at the time.  He spent nights just holding me and making me dinner.  He is still the best boyfriend I have ever had because he cared about my welfare and equally I his.  He always tried to put me first.  He was full of respect.  Wade saved my life and I can say that with confidence.  To this day I will always thank God he answered my prayer when I met him.  Not everyone is so fortunate to find someone as healing afterwards.

I know with the after affects I had the jumps at anything behind my back.  It was hard to erase what happened and life does go on.  If you know of someone who had this happen it feels as if your world is never going to repair itself again but with the horrible, came a great positive.  Learning to trust instincts, learning to know that it doesn't matter what other people want for me, its what I want that matters the most.  Not to force a dating atmosphere to fill other peoples desire so they don't have to see another person not lonely.  What's worse is I could have controlled the situation with all of the people pressuring me but I cared too much at the time what other people thought.  My heart was damaged in the process and at only my expense.  Not theirs.  You walk around and talk to people who notice how different you are.  Later I even saw Dean and he could sense how different I was and told me.  He said I lost that spark and light in my eyes he loved so much.  Because I felt so dead inside, my life was like some alternate horror film I did not expect.  Something like this takes away your innocence and more in a way of how you see the world.  There is never an excuse for a man or woman to cross the line but learning the necessary tools of self defense are essential for anyone with bad intentions.  Being almost 36 now and getting this out is hard but this happens to women (and men) who are young, innocent, naive, trusting, ignorant of instincts and sometimes preyed upon.

Your life is your own, your life is what you make it.  You survive and you fight trying to save your life in the process.  

Family & friends are essential for healing because they know you best.  Had I gone to the police yes that would have been best.  It's best to stand up for yourself and for me, I never wanted to see his face again.  I was a disaster because of the internet dates face. 

At this point in my life I don't care what other people say and could get the rudest comments or the nicest.  It's not about you, it's about surviving heart break, being happy and moving forward.  It's about prevention.  It's about taking your life in your hands and living it so only you live it to make yourself happy and positive.  We face our true selves Good/Bad and our limits are tested when the harshest adversity hits. We can become weak or strong.

People who do this are NOT innocent and do NOT care about you, they care about satisfying their twisted need.  Later I told my mother and it took years.  She had a hard time but her heart had healed and she understood finally what all of the 'drama' was about.  She softened incredibly and knows.  

To this day, I am sensitive to media content.  The news is not my favorite channel because it's on their daily.  I have my circle of friends who know me extremely well and now that they have babies and are all married we support each others lives.

Support is crucial, being honest to myself and wanting to heal well was so important. I had to be honest to myself about the incident, honest that I should have learned self defense prior to the event.  Honest that it was okay to cry when people know that I hate to cry.  Honest that I was entirely too trusting.  Living in a good way is the only way to recover and healing your heart.  Putting that guy behind bars and not erasing the damage but going to the police within 24hrs of the incident.

To this day I don't know where he is but I go through emotions of would I use those self defense skills or tell him I forgive him.  It took a long time to forgive but I knew I had to.  Without forgiveness it eats at your soul and makes you less of a good human being.  

It's okay to be angry but never let it control your life.  It's only been six years about but there's not a year that goes by that I don't regret my online dating experience.  The value of a life is high and the quality is important.  A person is responsible for their actions and he is responsible for my repercussions but I am responsible for my life, actions and my decisions.  This is the reality to rape and he could have done worse.
Father's and Mother's...raise your kids to respect human beings.  Raise them to know how to handle their bodies in a positive way because you will be their corner stone to life.

I have always known that good people in your life bring out the best in you.  They keep your standards where they should be and help you become your best you.  You blossom.
Bad people, whether it's intentional like the internet dater or a bad influence can destroy your self esteem, kindness, zest for growth and comfort of life.