2017

YEAR FLASHBACK

Life gets so busy and sometimes it's nice to sit down and think of the awesome, great, not so great and well, the things you'd like to forget ever happened.  Start a new year and not into the new year new you sort of motto but more like new year and newer reasonable goals. 

My goals, I have so many so I have to be realistic...let's just say becoming an astronaut or sailing the world on a boat wouldn't be in my cards for busy life and obligation reasons but what I have I must be grateful.  Even if I'd like to ditch all obligations and go into hiding.  Good thing I don't have kids right now...no offense to the mothers but life is hard enough on your own with work, finances, life...kids.  I would've been an amazing and giving mother, that's all I know since I'm the nurturing kind but sometimes a woman needs a break.  Me, I don't get many.

This year I've gotten to see Paris Fashion week, meet so many talented people I couldn't have been more grateful.  Life has handed some awesome opportunities to excel and it's been a productive year.  I'm still learning how to juggle my jobs, but refuse to let go of either.  They both are rewarding but definitely grateful to have hired new muscle for 2018. 

I may have loved hard and had to let go of a big love.  That is hard but sometimes moving past is a positive and not in reverse if it all stays the same.

I got proposed to for a green card...oh boy!  That man is so sweet I cared for him and had compassion but man o man what says romance like a fake marriage.     AMIRIGHT? Nope.  His intentions...wow!
It started out amazing and then fell flat.  Him and I are somewhat talking and he's better living in the USA with a new job.  Good for him.  I don't get pressured for marriage now, that's good.  What a random thing that happened stemming from a friendship and a desperate attempt to leave a bad government.  Love is the most passionate and chemistry made thing that happens organically.  

Dated a Mayor who's just as busy as me, can't say I'd date someone that busy again.  Two busy people equals a busy busy busy life with no romance at all. Go figure? HA!  Sweetest guy but talk about the movie 50 first dates.

Accepted into CBS Press along with past TLC and Lifetime channel.  I feel truly grateful for anything that helps my job.

Traveling all over this year has been a tricky thing since I can't say anything is better than my bed at night.  BED BED BED.....the best bed in the world is mine and hotels...sometimes have good beds.  I roomed with some people I know and love on NYC trips to save money but man they love to turn up the cooler.   I'm all about the tropical weather climate here and catching solo zzzz's.

Photographed a campaign or two.  More on the way with someone...so excited!  She works with all the high end designers and can't wait to start working for her.

My mother almost passed away again due to heart failure, she bounced back but when your mom is on the bed talking about power of attorney and your mind blanks out...it's not an easy transition back to normalcy after she gets treated and recovers.  She is the biggest gift for me and my brother.  The gift of a mothers life is fragile and her love knows no limits.  My love knows no limits for my family and would push them out of the way of a moving bus or save a life any-day.

I was caught in a trap at the airport for sex drug trafficking where they tried to lure me and manipulate me.  At this age, nothing gets past me and it wasn't a success for them obviously so I joined iEmpathize to help fight the very issue that disgusted me.  He touched my hand, the man at the airport.  The very hands that drug, solicit and rape women, the very hands that defile all good.  My hands will be put to good use.  

I was asked by someone I don't know to be paid to sleep with them for allowances and he was serious...some rich millionaire.  If you can't find love with money, you certainly can't turn a good woman into a hooker.  I'm shocked at behavior which sex should be the most amazing gift you can give someone.  It's supposed to be normal, right?  ohmygosh there are so many abnormal people in the world it astounds me.   My reply should be obvious to anyone with a decline.

Momma once said...if you are broke and feel the need to become a stripper, come home.  

Still makes me laugh...it was a joke but still I had to reiterate her words.  But...truthfully after this millionaire proposed this and however random our encounter was, it made me bawl for ten minutes straight.  How defiled I felt even for that moment.

I have a kids book all lined up, officially a children's author.  I have two magazines I publish a year and photography business I run.  Off to PFW again and more trips for 2018.  What will I do differently?  Take time for myself and officially get my home.  I had one but am looking for the same kind of home and might move to the beach.  That is where I'll finally get my puppy because after my house comes my puppy, not the other way around.  It's not fair to have them not have a space to run.

I got my first wrinkles at 37!! Let's just say God is good :) 

Romance, I know someday I'll meet the right guy who will be genuine, kind, compassionate, non judgmental, love will know no limits and loyal to the very end.  Someone that sets my heart on fire, that is what I've been waiting for my whole life but love comes softly and love has it's own timing.  I just haven't found "that thing" yet.  I can't wait for the moment all the stars align and I have that "I know it's you" moment.  My timeline and finding that thing is slower than most, but I don't have baby fever or have a biological clock since I can't conceive kids so I guess that's a really big positive.  Some women who have that and are older single, it makes me glad I don't feel that desperation.  Maybe only the desperation to feel that heart on fire feeling like I felt in 2009 for a few years.  So long ago and never since.  That's the thing I've been waiting for and when I'll find it I might say "where the hell have you been my whole life!!?!?!" In a funny way of course.

Happiness is friends, family, kindness, compassion, empathy, love, my house & my puppy.  All the material things in the world can't make up for the good things in your heart and what good you can do with your hands.

~IN ALL THINGS SMILE AND BE GRATEFUL~

My Story: Assault

I'm not one to take things to social media that take a negative turn unless it serves a purpose.  I wouldn't even say this is negative but more serves as a purpose for anyone who happens to find this blog who has gone through similar.  I can't even believe I'm writing about this and promised it would stay hidden because I was ashamed and only few people who were friends and family knew.  But, with all of the visitors I've seen pass this site, I know this may affect some and in an empowering way.  I hope.

In 2009 I was just a regular girl, always at church, slightly on the naive side and believed what people said most of the time because I trusted so many too fast.  I had an innocence I still can't believe I had.  I have to say I believe the best in people.  You want to, after all there are more good people in this world than bad.  It's true.

The Summer of 2009 I had just come back from Montana, fell madly in love with someone and had my heart broken.  Only because I lived so far away and this love I experienced (We'll call him Dean) was out of the ordinary.  He felt something too, asked me to be his girlfriend but there was life in the way and distance.  It was the kind of romance that takes your breath away and seems so unreal and so perfect.  My friend at the time was so persistent on me dating when I was fine laying low and recovering.  People were also pressuring me to find someone and get married. Date. It was so overwhelming when in my mind it was fine to be alone and figure things out.  I hate when people force feelings or force relationships.  It has to 'just happen'.  I was happy taking my time for the right person to come along.

Being so pushed  by words I caved and signed up for an online dating service.  I was not interested in the church boys at all or other acquaintances.  I saw a beautiful man's profile I wanted to reach out but, 'oh look, he reached out to me first' while I was thinking about contacting him.  I was flattered.  We talked over text and e-mail for two weeks so I could get a feel for him and he had just moved here from another state.  He wanted to meet me, I was even more flattered.  Our first date was different because he was almost too touchy feely but his face was abnormally handsome so I let him put his arms around me, touch my waist and hold my hand.  He asked for another date and this time I wanted to impress him with my cooking skills.  I made a meal at the apartment that I accidentally burnt and invited him for a movie.  I started getting what felt like a heat stroke before he came and texted that he was on his way.  I didn't know why but I was so flustered to a sweat and brushed it off.

He walked in, my dog didn't like him at the time and should have been a warning.  But we ate dinner and he was hospitable to the bad meal.  Then we turned to the movie and started making out.  I'm not one to turn down making out if I am attracted and like the person and even planned on that but for me I have my limits.  Sex was not on my mind and not what I was looking for.  Just to be clear I did NOT insinuate more than kissing and hands over the clothes action.  I love those make-outs.  Anyone who knows me knows I can wait forever for the right guy and be fine and still all I could think about was Dean in October of 2009. 

He took making out to a new level and asked him to stop.  He didn't listen.  He constrained me & was unable to move.  He made it so I couldn't move and he almost ripped out my hair.  I could barely speak he made it so talking was hard to do.  Anything.  This happened throughout the night.  He knew.  I knew.  This is not what I had planned on, all I wanted was to get to know a handsome guy but he was something more...he was a selfish human incapable of respect.  He could have had anyone he wanted, he was charming and handsome but no, he wanted what I wouldn't let him have.  He bolted as fast as anyone could after.

The road to recovery was hard:

I told my cousin soon after and my best friend.  I didn't even know how to handle it and how I tend to  mask situations is to laugh and smile anyways but I more went into hiding.  Just to figure out what happened and process it.  Was this real?  What did I do wrong? How could this happen?

I wrote him an e-mail weeks after about what he did and didn't hear back, but I had to say it to him.  My brothers wanted to send men over to do some damage later when they found out and almost wish they had but I am not a person to be the fault of causing purposeful harm.  I should have told the police and thought about it afterwards but the moment he left erased what I later found out would be evidence. I was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed.  Because shouldn't someone want to throw a massive scene like in a movie and get away?  It was shocking and I did try. 

We (My brother and I) decided not to tell my Mother because she had just had heart failure and my Father was passing away slowly.  How much more hurt should she have to go through?  

I started taking self defense classes and the shock of the assault caused speech issues and panic attacks.  I would be on the phone having a normal phone call and all of a sudden not be able to talk and out of breath.  I took two years of EMDR and counseling.  

Soon, months after what had happened I met a wonderful and incredible man (Let's call him Wade) who took his time getting to know me.  He made me laugh uncontrollably and was the biggest sweetheart.  It wasn't perfect but he was perfect for me at the time.  He spent nights just holding me and making me dinner.  He is still the best boyfriend I have ever had because he cared about my welfare and equally I his.  He always tried to put me first.  He was full of respect.  Wade saved my life and I can say that with confidence.  To this day I will always thank God he answered my prayer when I met him.  Not everyone is so fortunate to find someone as healing afterwards.

I know with the after affects I had the jumps at anything behind my back.  It was hard to erase what happened and life does go on.  If you know of someone who had this happen it feels as if your world is never going to repair itself again but with the horrible, came a great positive.  Learning to trust instincts, learning to know that it doesn't matter what other people want for me, its what I want that matters the most.  Not to force a dating atmosphere to fill other peoples desire so they don't have to see another person not lonely.  What's worse is I could have controlled the situation with all of the people pressuring me but I cared too much at the time what other people thought.  My heart was damaged in the process and at only my expense.  Not theirs.  You walk around and talk to people who notice how different you are.  Later I even saw Dean and he could sense how different I was and told me.  He said I lost that spark and light in my eyes he loved so much.  Because I felt so dead inside, my life was like some alternate horror film I did not expect.  Something like this takes away your innocence and more in a way of how you see the world.  There is never an excuse for a man or woman to cross the line but learning the necessary tools of self defense are essential for anyone with bad intentions.  Being almost 36 now and getting this out is hard but this happens to women (and men) who are young, innocent, naive, trusting, ignorant of instincts and sometimes preyed upon.

Your life is your own, your life is what you make it.  You survive and you fight trying to save your life in the process.  

Family & friends are essential for healing because they know you best.  Had I gone to the police yes that would have been best.  It's best to stand up for yourself and for me, I never wanted to see his face again.  I was a disaster because of the internet dates face. 

At this point in my life I don't care what other people say and could get the rudest comments or the nicest.  It's not about you, it's about surviving heart break, being happy and moving forward.  It's about prevention.  It's about taking your life in your hands and living it so only you live it to make yourself happy and positive.  We face our true selves Good/Bad and our limits are tested when the harshest adversity hits. We can become weak or strong.

People who do this are NOT innocent and do NOT care about you, they care about satisfying their twisted need.  Later I told my mother and it took years.  She had a hard time but her heart had healed and she understood finally what all of the 'drama' was about.  She softened incredibly and knows.  

To this day, I am sensitive to media content.  The news is not my favorite channel because it's on their daily.  I have my circle of friends who know me extremely well and now that they have babies and are all married we support each others lives.

Support is crucial, being honest to myself and wanting to heal well was so important. I had to be honest to myself about the incident, honest that I should have learned self defense prior to the event.  Honest that it was okay to cry when people know that I hate to cry.  Honest that I was entirely too trusting.  Living in a good way is the only way to recover and healing your heart.  Putting that guy behind bars and not erasing the damage but going to the police within 24hrs of the incident.

To this day I don't know where he is but I go through emotions of would I use those self defense skills or tell him I forgive him.  It took a long time to forgive but I knew I had to.  Without forgiveness it eats at your soul and makes you less of a good human being.  

It's okay to be angry but never let it control your life.  It's only been six years about but there's not a year that goes by that I don't regret my online dating experience.  The value of a life is high and the quality is important.  A person is responsible for their actions and he is responsible for my repercussions but I am responsible for my life, actions and my decisions.  This is the reality to rape and he could have done worse.
Father's and Mother's...raise your kids to respect human beings.  Raise them to know how to handle their bodies in a positive way because you will be their corner stone to life.

I have always known that good people in your life bring out the best in you.  They keep your standards where they should be and help you become your best you.  You blossom.
Bad people, whether it's intentional like the internet dater or a bad influence can destroy your self esteem, kindness, zest for growth and comfort of life.

It's Been SOOO long and now...a blog

Over the years and looking back, life and time sneaks up on you.  It makes you wonder what the heck happened when you're sitting on a couch at the end of the year and re evaluating some things have changed and somethings remain the same.  

In life we all go through stages of ups and downs, it is in fact inevitable the trials we face.  Whether in life or death, love or love lost, new associations and new beginnings.   We confront ourselves with each challenge and face our best and worst self.  Situations make us grow and we find ourselves growing internally and some set us back until we can find a way to grow after we have faced fears, pride lost, egos and change.

About Health

This year one of my favorite ladies, Kaylan and I had a discussion about physical growth.  Her and I broke our spines around the same time and mine is a more fragile  than hers.  She has an infused spine which makes her stronger in carrying weight after she healed properly.  For me, I just barely had a back brace dumpster day.  I haven't worn it in forever but I worried I would have to go back in it because of the loss of mid section strength.  The truth is, I miss my body two years ago.  I thought I had a hot little bod and wore it proudly.  She and I know what it's like to lose the ability to workout the way we need to.  Being fit is a way of life that carries into our mature adult years and sustains our healthy internal organs.  Everyone knows a healthy body is best.  Well, I came to a fork in the road and chose to better my health.  Back to my high school body weight and working on strength training.  It's so important for me to be happy and everyone whether they love a little love handles, extra booty in the trunk, softer curves we all prefer a certain shape that maintains our smiles.  

I love Iman Woods, she's healthy but curvy and promotes curves.  Curves are great!  After all the back brace caused me to go from a B to a DD.  I'm cool with that!  I have more hips and butt, again I am cool with that.  Just not the loss of

strength.  My Mother always use to call me 'Little Helga' because I could lift anything and she'd be amazed.  I could carry the whole car full of heavy groceries in one load because I hated to come back to the car making trips.  I'm a tiny thing but those days are gone.

The moral of that story?  Be happy in the body you are in at your most comfortable state and working towards health should be a life long goal.  I'm a little bit of a health nut with a chocolate junkie crave and know the battle.  The struggle is real! 

About Love

I think I have fallen in love a small handful of times, sometimes I get men more into it than I have been or I haven't fully appreciated them when I had them in my arms.  When I focus so much on work and achievement it becomes sometimes impossible to shut off my drive.   I could've married twice now with two men asking me to spend my life with them, one I'm completely fine with ending and one is an amazing person and I wasn't ready.  Now looking back, I would have been happy but life and love is all about timing...that leap of faith.  Some opportunities we can never retrieve and they pass us so quickly.  Everyone chooses paths in their life that lead us to a destination and our goals that drive us.  

I haven't been the type to carry a child and not by choice but have known chances are slim since I was young but amazingly enough I had the chance to raise four kids as my own in a way for many years when I was younger.  I loved them with unconditional love and if that's all I have in life, that is enough.  Love in all relationships is the key to a long term happiness but it should be healthy and giving.  Love is about selflessness and I am still working on that but love is not selfish or full of fear.  I en devour to find love in all things and that is what drives my happiness and helps us to see people in a better light.  Seeing past our flaws and realizing we are all unique in how we see the world.

The motto I love and learned from my dear old teacher with such a warm heart said to me and it's stuck with me for years..."The saddest words of tongue and pen are these, what might have been"

 

Also, I love (however cheesy this may sound) the quote from the recent Cinderella, "Have courage and be kind".  Those are powerful words.

About Family

We all have moments where we want to grit our teeth being around family for functions but for mine, I can't say I do too often.  I have been so blessed with so many people who surround me with care and support.  Family is a unit that if strong can never cease to amaze the foundation on which we stand as human beings.  My family has issues as any would but I have seen so many come out on top with each issue.  Excel in their personal growth and be happy.

I've lost some members but they are always there in spirit.  I can still hear my dad's voice say a cheesy line when I'd mention something and it makes me smile.  They're always with us.

About Work

I love growing in work and achieving my dreams.  I am after all only accountable to me for my successes or failures.  Business opportunities have been incredible and keep growing beyond what I had thought to achieve.  I am grateful.  Passions are what drives us to succeed. I can't complain and hope to be so much better at people skills.  After all this shy girl (only at first) has a lot to do and say.  

That's about all I have for this end of the year thoughts but the key is  to always treasure the moments we have and to not take them for granted.  Life is an ever changing moment.

Day 7: What is your favorite Season and Why?

 I have two, Spring & Fall.

Spring because it's not too hot but no longer winter & because the flowers start to come out.

Fall because I love the color of Amber & cool air.  It makes me want to drink Starbucks Peppermint hot chocolate and read a good book by the window.  There's also something about a blanket of  Amber leaves on the ground that make the season so beautiful!

Day 6: List Four goals you wish to accomplish in the future

1) Do a full sit up & get back to Yoga

2) Finally get that new studio I've been working for.

3) Go Surfing

4) Go to Tahiti and enjoy being lazy & snorkeling for a week.

Day 5: What is your favorite quote?

My favorite quote as of right now is 

"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy."

-Jacques Maritain

I think when you're grateful, you're happy and it shows in all aspects of life.  I learned from someone once who said "Nobody deserves the right to anything."  It's very true!  What we have in any case is a blessing.

Well this one's easy.

Day 3: Name your three favorite colors
I also added what they mean & how they effect our moods.  Kind of cool, actually. 

1)Lavender Purple or Purple in General

2)Emerald Green

3)Pink/Red so Fuchsia or Ruby like color.

 

 With a sense of mystic and royal qualities, purple is a color often well liked by very creative types.

• Uplifts
• Calms the mind and nerves
• Offers a sense of spirituality
• Encourages creativity

 

 

  Green is considered the color of peace and ecology.

• Soothes
• Relaxes mentally, as well as physically
• Helps alleviate depression, nervousness, and anxiety
• Offers a sense of renewal, self-control, and harmony

 

  Recognized as a stimulant, red is inherently exciting & Pink is the color of happiness and is sometimes seen as lighthearted.

• Increases enthusiasm
• Stimulates energy and can increase the blood pressure, respiration, heartbeat, and pulse rate
• Encourages action and confidence
• Provides a sense of protection from fears and anxiety
  
  • Bright pinks, like the color red, stimulate energy and can increase the blood pressure, respiration, heartbeat, and pulse rate. They also encourage action and confidence.